Is masterbation cheating on your girlfriend?

I know the quick answer is no, and no guy is honestly going to stop, unless he’s planning to save up his skeet for a better paint job. But what if the topic comes up with you and your girl, are you afraid to admit to her that you still slide the statue? Some girls are cool about it, likely the ones who enjoy masterbating themselves. They know as well as you that no one can wack your weasel better than you, like no one can warm up her oven like herself. She understands and appreciates the importance of constant masterbation, the joy and comfort of it like your grandmother’s cookies at Christmas. She wouldn’t ask of you to stop as she damn well wouldn’t stop, because she sees no connection between how one’s jerking exercises should be connected to one’s love life with their partner. When you find this girl, put a rock on her finger (and likely your cock in her hand). But then there’s that other kind…of lover (I’m sure gays are faced with the same mishaps sometimes), the kind who somehow twists masterbation into being unfaithful. Now let’s be open minded for a sec and take a look at things on the other side of the fence. It’s not the act of masterbation that bothers them, it’s the process by which it is conducted. Most often porn, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issues or Victoria Secret Fashion Shows on December 3rd at 10PM on CBS…and other such things of that nature, are used to inspire the stroke of luck. Possibly just a fantasy in mind, either one with a person you have always wanted to be with yet never have or previous amazing experience. Some of us are fortunate to pop in a home video they made with their special shagster, their lover’s facebook picture or by dating the most fulfilling freak of all time, so they don’t need to be turned on by anyone other than the person they are in a relationship with. But most of us, ultimately, are committing a sexual act while desiring to bust a nut with someone else. Hold your horses, I’m just trying to show the point of view of the other side, and dare I say: Would you be in any way bothered if your girl was wailing in her bedroom because of the vibrations of a toy twice as long and thick as you? It all comes down to the issye of feeling intimidated by the fact that your lover enjoys the sexual pleasure of something that you aren’t cannot or will not give them.

Most girlfriends won’t perform the mind-blowing acts we see on those entertaining forwards you get from your friends every day, just as you can’t fulfill the physical dimensions of a zucchini. So these little situations and stirred up feelings of lacking sexual confidence can be turned into the mindset that you’d rather be with someone (or something) than your lover.
Now back to the sunny side where the bullshit doesn’t stink so bad. The act of masterbation is the act of loving one’s self. You have been there for yourself longer than any lover has, and in a way, by being with your lover, you are sort of cheating on yourself…but lets not go there. When two people commit to one another, the rule is to be faithful and not be with any other man or woman. Well by being with yourself, your not with anyone else, unless you can somehow detach your right hand. The only way you could possibly connect masterbation with someone else literally would be by someone giving you a rudder (someone else holds your arm while you shake the snake). You can screen their phone calls, their emails and still there is no way one can be prevented from being with themselves unless they are watched every moment of their days, and do you really need to be in a relationship like that? So what do you do? Instill rules? That it’s ok to do it only out of fantasy but how can you ensure that they won’t be thinking of someone else. The only way to really stop someone from masterbating is to perform so many sexual acts with them on a regular basis that they would be too tired or sore to do it. In case of guys, we can’t afford to beat it because we need to retain a respectable amount of skeet for us to spray and them to swallow so that it isn’t embarrassing. After all the work, one wants to be rewarded with a nice load, not humping for 38 minutes for a few drops. I guess if your partner is worried about you beating it, they should be faced with the ultimatum of what would be worst: your right hand or their best friend? Plus, it’s rare that masterbation would ever fully take the place and desire of sex (unless of course they are painfully bad at it or you’re single). They don’t need to be worried about leaning out of the bathroom door wearing silky red lingerie, casting that mischievous smile, and you shaking your head while reaching for the tissue box and coco butter. Also, it’s hard for you to make them believe that you don’t jack-off, but if you wish to tell them you don’t, how could they prove it? I’ll leave you with one note before I head off for my afternoon workout: better to have them worried about your one man tug of war than knowing you think of a Vegas whore while having sex.

Sincerely,
Mr. Chicken and Cheese